Deeply Saddened.

Today has been extremely rough. I know that everything I've been studying is really being put to the test but I still hurt when I know I'm being attacked.

It all started last night when I left a silly photo comment on this guys face book. He said the most horrific, disgusting, and heart shattering things to me in response to it. I cried for 3 hours over it. Trust me, it was bad. Really bad. A friend of mine found out what he said and had my back the whole way and many others contacted me trying to encourage me. In the mean time, me and the guy were writing and he apologized but still justified what he did. I was very nice to him anyway and it ended peacefully. All of that brought up so many emotions and my mind was racing over so many things I'm dealing with and miss. I decided to take the kids to the movies after school so I could get my mind off the hurt.

Upon returning home, I received a message from my sister in law that cut me wide open again. I wrote about our visit the other day. It was nice and I was so happy to have finally gotten a chance to talk to her. I felt like we got closer. We shared what we had gone through growing up and related some. So I asked her if she and her husband could keep the kids so I could attend a title search seminar as part of my training for my business. The kids have rarely stayed with her and her husband so I asked. She basically called me a liar about the seminar, told me I play games and said that's why she doesn't full with me. She said to never ask her to watch the kids unless I was going to give them up. I just burst out crying. I dug up the email I sent to the woman hosting the seminar and the woman's web site and sent it to her.

I don't get it! What did I do to deserve this cruelty? As I type I hear the voice of Jesus saying,"Even a prophet is not welcome in his own country." "You will be blessed for enduring what I endured." "Don't worry or cry. I will never hurt you or leave you."

My Prayer:It's still hurts, Lord. Help me to be strong enough in the future so that words won't hurt me like they do. I just wish I could become numb to people. Thank you for helping to resist what I really wanted to say and do. Thank you for giving me enough self-control to not respond the way the old Jana would. Forgive them for they know not what they do. I don't know why I care so much but I pray you prove them wrong in their judgements against me. In Jesus' name. AMEN.

Day 18-"Help me be calm." 1 Peter 5:7

"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (kjv)

Casting-to throw upon
careth- to be of interest to, concern

This verse speaks volumes to me & brings me so much peace. God is saying to me,"I got your back!"
All my worries & concerns should be of no interest to me because God is saying,"I got you; I'll handle it."

Matthew 6:26 is a verse I'm recalling that I stood on for years! I think that of all the Scriptures I've used to encourage people I've used this one the most.
"Behold the fowls of the air; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much more better than they?" Jesus is saying,"Look, the birds don't even live for the Lord (sowing-working for God & reaping-receiving blessings from the Lord for obedience)yet God takes care of them...He sent me to die for you so what makes you think He won't take care of you better than He does the birds?" I feel so convicted right now because I forgot that and let anxiety run me straight to the Dr. for pills. WTH! Back to the basics I come!
Seriously, with verses like those coupled with testimonies of how God has provided I have no reason to fear,doubt, or worry about a thing! Then He goes on to say in verse 27 that I'm just wasting my time because I can't change a thing...God can and will.
I'm reminded of Day 6-"Help me be focused." Phil4:8 tells me what to think about. No where does it mention my problems or concerns because that is for God to deal with. It is not His will for me to worry and try to figure out how to fix things or for me to get filled with anxeity and panic over what I can't control. It is His will for me to trust Him, stand on the Word, and believe that He has it all taken care of. My needs will be met and problems solved. This faith is what keeps me calm & that's why I'm anxiety free. Thank you, Jesus!

Dear Lord, thank you so much for getting my mind right again. I felt excitment come over me as I was about to do this study. I hadn't felt that in a long long time! Thank you for freeing me of my anger. Today felt so much lighter! Thank you for always taking care of me and my children. Clothe my mind with your words and promises if I ever doubt again. Remind me that you care for me more than you do the birds you provide for. I learned in these verses that as long as I have you, I don't need anyone else. Thank you for being everything to me. In Jesus' name, AMEN!

I'm FREE!

I know it has been a few days since my last post; I've had a lot of realizations since then. For starters, I realized that God doesn't have to do anything with me. I'm the one who needs to do it. Treaty's death didn't hit me like a train in Feb...in Feb., I DECIDED to presumptously do things that were a sin to me. When I did that, the sin separated me from God which removed the covering He had on me from the day Treaty died. I allowed sin to come in which took my mind off the WORD of God and I let anger seap in...Satan tried that in the beginning but I recall laying in bed rebuking him refusing to be mad. I rebuked him outloud in my room as he was trying to get me to be mad at God. I remember that clearly. At some point, I stopped rebuking him. The Bible says to cast down every thought and evil imagination that exaults itself against God. I stopped practicing that and down I went. I spiraled into depression, the anxiety came back, alcohol abuse...I began to rely on my prescriptions instead of the Word like I had been doing for 6.5 years! I feel like a failure to myself. If you had a hammer and needed to nail something together, why would you use something else? The Bible was my hammer yet I CHOSE to use man's methods along with using the excuse,"It's natural to go through this." Not according to the Bible & I knew that from day one!

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (King James Version)

13But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Those are the verses I opened my Bible to the day Treaty died before I went to the hospital. I was praying and needed to hear from God. I flipped open my Bible without a thought, looked down, and there were those verses. They kept me until I DECIDED not to stand on them any longer. The Bible says,"A little leaven, leaveneth the whole lump." Leaven is used to make bread rise and it doesn't take much. That is exactly what happened to me. I allowed a little sin in and I got worse and worse. First went praying, then I was out of the Word, now I'm skipping Church. I'm amazed that through it all, God is bringing me back. How is He doing that? LOVE. He is overwhelming me with His LOVE. In little ways, He is saying,"I love you & I'm not leaving you." Slowly but surely, through these studies & "light bulb" moments I'm learning more and more about me and about Him. I feel myself becoming more free! Free from what my anger and sin has done to me.

My sister in law came over for lunch today and I was telling her that I'm no longer angry with God, I'm angry with Treaty and I can't forgive him for getting on that bike. As I was speaking to her about where I am in this life without him, God spoke,"It was my will. Treaty had no say in it." Some how, that changed me. I felt free from my anger with Treaty. I didn't need to forgive him. He did nothing wrong. He did exactly what God intended and I'm now ok with that. I'm FREE!

Day 17-"Help me be energized."Eph, 6:7,8

"With good will doing service, as to the Lord, & not to men; knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free." Eph. 6:7-8 (kjv)

The world would call this Karma, but as a Christian I know that what goes around comes around is orcastrated by God. This verse is proof. Here, God is promising to reward the saved (free) and unsaved (bond). However, I must have a pure heart...not to do something to get something. Do it for the Lord and not for men! That reminds me of when I was pregnant with Elyza & working at Einstein Bagels. I was huge and tired. I was asked to mop. I didn't want to for many reasons but it was very humbling & I remember my mindset was so positive and it is what helped me do it with a smile. I saw the Lord as my boss & if He wanted me to mop I was going to do and do it well with a smile because He gave me that job & I was thankful. That is what gave me the energy to do it. It's all in the way I view things. Serving God can be a sacrifice and it often is. I find myself having to deny what I want to do in order to do things for God these days.

Heb.13:16"But to do good & to communicate forget not:for with such sacrifices, God is well pleased."

It is an even bigger sacrifice when doing good towards those I may not care for or feel deserve it. All it takes is a switch of my mindset. I have to see the good as being done towards/for God. Nothing for God goes without reward.

luke 6:35"But love ye your enemies, & do good, & lend, hoping for nothing again; & your reward shall be great, & ye shall be the children of the Highest..."

Romans 2:10"But glory, honour, & peace, to every man that worketh good..."

Right now, peace is high on my list of desires! Time to stop being a bad girl :-)

Dear Lord, it seems that every study I've done reminds me of how I used to be and how far away from that person I've gotten. But I guess that's the point of the study. Help me, Lord. Give me this mindset again so that I can be a better steward for you. Before every action there is a thought. If there is a lack of action, a thought preceded that as well. Help me to remember that all I do is for you & towards you. Let that be the mindset that energizes me when I just don't want to do right or good. Help me be energized to do your will. In Jesus' name, amen.

Day 16-"Help me be decisive."James 1:5

"If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, & upbraideth not, it shall be given him." James 1:5 (kjv)

wisdom-thoughtful, a cautious character, intelligence or mental acquirement.
liberally-bountifully=plentiful
upbraideth-defame, chide=to speak disapprovingly of

I'd like to start of by praying,"Lord, will you please give me your wisdom?" Ok, now I feel better because I need it, I asked, & now I'm assured I'll get it!

I noticed that this verse says,"if any man LACK wisdom..." That's interesting to me because I don't think I could ever get to a point where I would know everything & be wise enough to just not ever need wisdom in at least one area of my life. I also need to quit being so spontaneous and impulsive...I need to be more cautious. I've gotten better at that but Lord, help me! (lol) I believe it is implied in the verse that no one on Earth is without need of wisdom. Have you asked for it???

The "Help me..." prayer for today is "Help me be decisive". I have to make many decisions every singe day. From sun up to sun down, I'm deciding all the time. No matter how big or small, I believe that every single one impacts my future in some way. Every one of them sets my day and life into a certain direction. I need to know what GOD wants me to do because Jana doesn't know it all. How important is wisdom? Job 28:16-"It cannot be valued with gold of Ophir, with the precious onyx, or the sapphire." Prov. 8:11-"For wisdom is better than rubies; & all the things that may be desired are not to be compared to it." If wisdom is that valuable, then I believe God is saying,"You can't live without it."

My Prayer-"Lord, here I am once again. Help me to incline my ear unto wisdom, & apply my heart unto understanding (Prov.2:2) Being a single mom, having lost the head of my house, I need your wisdom in every way. Give me wisdom in all financial decisions. Give me wisdom in my parenting, in dating, in EVERYTHING! Thank you for the wisdom you have given me thus far. When you reveal the decision you want me to make, help me to follow through. Forgive me for not doing so in the past. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Day 15-"Help me be bold." Rom. 1:16

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ; for it is the power of God unto salvation to everyone that believeth; the Jew first, & also the Greek." Romans 1:16 (kjv)

What does it mean to not be ashamed? Here Paul demonstrates that he is not ashamed of Jesus Christ by preaching; (vs 15)"So, as much as in me is, I am ready to preach the Gospel..." What I see in verse 16 is that Paul understood the power in the Word. That the gospel brings salvation. I think that is what made him so confident...he knew God's Word would do the work. All he had to do was spread it. So how does being bold co inside with not being ashamed? To answer this, I decided to define the two adverbs:

ashamed-restrained by anticipation of shame
shame-a painful sense of having done something wrong.
boldness-courageous, all out spokeness, bluntness, assurance

So to not be ashamed should be demonstrated by me standing up for what I believe in without reservation or restraint. I should be assured when I speak the Truth because I know the power in the Word. I also understand that if someone does not agree or responds negatively that it is not me they reject but Christ. This study is convicting for me because I stopped sharing the Truth. It's easy for me to testify to someone I know or am comfortable with. But one day God started moving on me to witness to the cashiers at Walmart. I use to do it often. I was always nervous but I felt like a million $$$ after. It took me out of my comfort zone but God always just let the words flow out my mouth...He would say,"Just speak." Now, I go to the self-checkout line...God forgive me; help me be bold again...

There was a time when I was taking college classes that God called me to speak of Him. It was the first day of Public Speaking. We were given a list of topics and two minutes to speak on the topic of our choice. When I saw the topic,"A life changing event", my spirit jumped inside me and I knew immediately what God wanted me to do. Satan was trying everything to keep me from it"You're in a school setting; the teacher may not approve; no one will like you for this." But I got up in front of about 25-30 strangers and shared Jesus & what He did for me on 6-8-03. I went back to my seat and the guy next to me said,"Man, I wish I had your boldness." I'll never forget that day. It was the first time I testified to a group of strangers.

I used to be admired for my Christlike traits. Some thought I was extreme...I was because I extremely loved the Lord. I've got to get back to that place. Lord help me, Lord help me extinguish myself again. Help me be bold.

Day 14-"Keep on praying!" 1 Thes. 5:17

"Pray without ceasing." 1 Thes. 5:17 (kjv)

Well, there's not much to this verse but I've come to believe that no word is insignificant in the Bible...none should be taken lightly. I asked myself,"Why would I be told to pray without stopping?" There must be some reason....reading throughout the suggested vereses in the topical index of my Bible under "prayer", I see just how much power we are given in prayer. I'm only selling myself short if I don't pray.

"Ask, & it shall be given you; seek, & ye shall find; knock, & it shall be opened unto you." Mt. 7:7
"Hitherto have ye asked nothing in my name; ask, & ye shall receive, that your joy may be full." Jn 16:24

Wow, don't I need some joy?! Here I'm told that prayer brings about fullness of joy. On day 11 I learned that joy comes with faith. So I must pray with faith! Of course, there is a confirming verse: "I will therefore that men pray every where, lifting up holy hands, WITHOUT wrath & DOUBTING."-1 Timothy 2:3

I'm remembering Treaty. He prayed all the time. Sometimes he fell asleep in the closet praying. I remember that there were times he would pray that God would help his unbelief. He prayed for faith. I believe that maybe if I prayed more, God would move more which would increase my faith. I use to have a faith that blew my mind! I use to think I was strange because I was't moved by anything! But this was a time when I prayed all the time. God has done some amazing things. I'm remembering when we lived in our town home. There were these two guys who left their window open all day long. They smoked and it drove me nuts cuz I had to walk by their window to get to my car. So I asked God to do something about that. I told him I didn't like the smoke nor did I want my kids to have to breath it every time we had to go somewhere. It was 4th of July weekend when I asked. So when the window was shut all weekend I figured the guys had just gone out of town. Well, it stayed shut. I never noticed the window open again after that. The guys always had their blinds open so I could seeone of them at the computer smoking sometimes...the window stayed shut. I'm only mad I didn't ask God sooner. All I did was complain about the smoke to Treaty for months instead of just praying. I finally did pray and God shut the window. Now I see I need to stop complaining and having pitty parties and just PRAY!!! Could it be that I am where I am mentally because I stopped praying? If Jn 16:24 is true, then I know the answer to that. Time to pray!

My Prayer-"Dear Lord, thank you for hearing & answering prayer. Forgive me for shutting my mouth to you. Remind me to pray always & let my prayers not be a long list of desires but also praises. Put on my heart the needs of others so my prayers are not selfish. Remind me not to do all the talking but help to listen for you when I pray. Help me to be patient in my waiting for your answer. Extinguish any doubt that may be in me. Enjoin my faith & prayers that I may have joy once again. Keep me praying in faith. In Jesus' name, amen.