Today has been extremely rough. I know that everything I've been studying is really being put to the test but I still hurt when I know I'm being attacked.
It all started last night when I left a silly photo comment on this guys face book. He said the most horrific, disgusting, and heart shattering things to me in response to it. I cried for 3 hours over it. Trust me, it was bad. Really bad. A friend of mine found out what he said and had my back the whole way and many others contacted me trying to encourage me. In the mean time, me and the guy were writing and he apologized but still justified what he did. I was very nice to him anyway and it ended peacefully. All of that brought up so many emotions and my mind was racing over so many things I'm dealing with and miss. I decided to take the kids to the movies after school so I could get my mind off the hurt.
Upon returning home, I received a message from my sister in law that cut me wide open again. I wrote about our visit the other day. It was nice and I was so happy to have finally gotten a chance to talk to her. I felt like we got closer. We shared what we had gone through growing up and related some. So I asked her if she and her husband could keep the kids so I could attend a title search seminar as part of my training for my business. The kids have rarely stayed with her and her husband so I asked. She basically called me a liar about the seminar, told me I play games and said that's why she doesn't full with me. She said to never ask her to watch the kids unless I was going to give them up. I just burst out crying. I dug up the email I sent to the woman hosting the seminar and the woman's web site and sent it to her.
I don't get it! What did I do to deserve this cruelty? As I type I hear the voice of Jesus saying,"Even a prophet is not welcome in his own country." "You will be blessed for enduring what I endured." "Don't worry or cry. I will never hurt you or leave you."
My Prayer:It's still hurts, Lord. Help me to be strong enough in the future so that words won't hurt me like they do. I just wish I could become numb to people. Thank you for helping to resist what I really wanted to say and do. Thank you for giving me enough self-control to not respond the way the old Jana would. Forgive them for they know not what they do. I don't know why I care so much but I pray you prove them wrong in their judgements against me. In Jesus' name. AMEN.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Day 18-"Help me be calm." 1 Peter 5:7
"Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7 (kjv)
Casting-to throw upon
careth- to be of interest to, concern
This verse speaks volumes to me & brings me so much peace. God is saying to me,"I got your back!"
All my worries & concerns should be of no interest to me because God is saying,"I got you; I'll handle it."
Matthew 6:26 is a verse I'm recalling that I stood on for years! I think that of all the Scriptures I've used to encourage people I've used this one the most.
"Behold the fowls of the air; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much more better than they?" Jesus is saying,"Look, the birds don't even live for the Lord (sowing-working for God & reaping-receiving blessings from the Lord for obedience)yet God takes care of them...He sent me to die for you so what makes you think He won't take care of you better than He does the birds?" I feel so convicted right now because I forgot that and let anxiety run me straight to the Dr. for pills. WTH! Back to the basics I come!
Seriously, with verses like those coupled with testimonies of how God has provided I have no reason to fear,doubt, or worry about a thing! Then He goes on to say in verse 27 that I'm just wasting my time because I can't change a thing...God can and will.
I'm reminded of Day 6-"Help me be focused." Phil4:8 tells me what to think about. No where does it mention my problems or concerns because that is for God to deal with. It is not His will for me to worry and try to figure out how to fix things or for me to get filled with anxeity and panic over what I can't control. It is His will for me to trust Him, stand on the Word, and believe that He has it all taken care of. My needs will be met and problems solved. This faith is what keeps me calm & that's why I'm anxiety free. Thank you, Jesus!
Dear Lord, thank you so much for getting my mind right again. I felt excitment come over me as I was about to do this study. I hadn't felt that in a long long time! Thank you for freeing me of my anger. Today felt so much lighter! Thank you for always taking care of me and my children. Clothe my mind with your words and promises if I ever doubt again. Remind me that you care for me more than you do the birds you provide for. I learned in these verses that as long as I have you, I don't need anyone else. Thank you for being everything to me. In Jesus' name, AMEN!
Casting-to throw upon
careth- to be of interest to, concern
This verse speaks volumes to me & brings me so much peace. God is saying to me,"I got your back!"
All my worries & concerns should be of no interest to me because God is saying,"I got you; I'll handle it."
Matthew 6:26 is a verse I'm recalling that I stood on for years! I think that of all the Scriptures I've used to encourage people I've used this one the most.
"Behold the fowls of the air; for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your Heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much more better than they?" Jesus is saying,"Look, the birds don't even live for the Lord (sowing-working for God & reaping-receiving blessings from the Lord for obedience)yet God takes care of them...He sent me to die for you so what makes you think He won't take care of you better than He does the birds?" I feel so convicted right now because I forgot that and let anxiety run me straight to the Dr. for pills. WTH! Back to the basics I come!
Seriously, with verses like those coupled with testimonies of how God has provided I have no reason to fear,doubt, or worry about a thing! Then He goes on to say in verse 27 that I'm just wasting my time because I can't change a thing...God can and will.
I'm reminded of Day 6-"Help me be focused." Phil4:8 tells me what to think about. No where does it mention my problems or concerns because that is for God to deal with. It is not His will for me to worry and try to figure out how to fix things or for me to get filled with anxeity and panic over what I can't control. It is His will for me to trust Him, stand on the Word, and believe that He has it all taken care of. My needs will be met and problems solved. This faith is what keeps me calm & that's why I'm anxiety free. Thank you, Jesus!
Dear Lord, thank you so much for getting my mind right again. I felt excitment come over me as I was about to do this study. I hadn't felt that in a long long time! Thank you for freeing me of my anger. Today felt so much lighter! Thank you for always taking care of me and my children. Clothe my mind with your words and promises if I ever doubt again. Remind me that you care for me more than you do the birds you provide for. I learned in these verses that as long as I have you, I don't need anyone else. Thank you for being everything to me. In Jesus' name, AMEN!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
I'm FREE!
I know it has been a few days since my last post; I've had a lot of realizations since then. For starters, I realized that God doesn't have to do anything with me. I'm the one who needs to do it. Treaty's death didn't hit me like a train in Feb...in Feb., I DECIDED to presumptously do things that were a sin to me. When I did that, the sin separated me from God which removed the covering He had on me from the day Treaty died. I allowed sin to come in which took my mind off the WORD of God and I let anger seap in...Satan tried that in the beginning but I recall laying in bed rebuking him refusing to be mad. I rebuked him outloud in my room as he was trying to get me to be mad at God. I remember that clearly. At some point, I stopped rebuking him. The Bible says to cast down every thought and evil imagination that exaults itself against God. I stopped practicing that and down I went. I spiraled into depression, the anxiety came back, alcohol abuse...I began to rely on my prescriptions instead of the Word like I had been doing for 6.5 years! I feel like a failure to myself. If you had a hammer and needed to nail something together, why would you use something else? The Bible was my hammer yet I CHOSE to use man's methods along with using the excuse,"It's natural to go through this." Not according to the Bible & I knew that from day one!
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (King James Version)
13But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
Those are the verses I opened my Bible to the day Treaty died before I went to the hospital. I was praying and needed to hear from God. I flipped open my Bible without a thought, looked down, and there were those verses. They kept me until I DECIDED not to stand on them any longer. The Bible says,"A little leaven, leaveneth the whole lump." Leaven is used to make bread rise and it doesn't take much. That is exactly what happened to me. I allowed a little sin in and I got worse and worse. First went praying, then I was out of the Word, now I'm skipping Church. I'm amazed that through it all, God is bringing me back. How is He doing that? LOVE. He is overwhelming me with His LOVE. In little ways, He is saying,"I love you & I'm not leaving you." Slowly but surely, through these studies & "light bulb" moments I'm learning more and more about me and about Him. I feel myself becoming more free! Free from what my anger and sin has done to me.
My sister in law came over for lunch today and I was telling her that I'm no longer angry with God, I'm angry with Treaty and I can't forgive him for getting on that bike. As I was speaking to her about where I am in this life without him, God spoke,"It was my will. Treaty had no say in it." Some how, that changed me. I felt free from my anger with Treaty. I didn't need to forgive him. He did nothing wrong. He did exactly what God intended and I'm now ok with that. I'm FREE!
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (King James Version)
13But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
Those are the verses I opened my Bible to the day Treaty died before I went to the hospital. I was praying and needed to hear from God. I flipped open my Bible without a thought, looked down, and there were those verses. They kept me until I DECIDED not to stand on them any longer. The Bible says,"A little leaven, leaveneth the whole lump." Leaven is used to make bread rise and it doesn't take much. That is exactly what happened to me. I allowed a little sin in and I got worse and worse. First went praying, then I was out of the Word, now I'm skipping Church. I'm amazed that through it all, God is bringing me back. How is He doing that? LOVE. He is overwhelming me with His LOVE. In little ways, He is saying,"I love you & I'm not leaving you." Slowly but surely, through these studies & "light bulb" moments I'm learning more and more about me and about Him. I feel myself becoming more free! Free from what my anger and sin has done to me.
My sister in law came over for lunch today and I was telling her that I'm no longer angry with God, I'm angry with Treaty and I can't forgive him for getting on that bike. As I was speaking to her about where I am in this life without him, God spoke,"It was my will. Treaty had no say in it." Some how, that changed me. I felt free from my anger with Treaty. I didn't need to forgive him. He did nothing wrong. He did exactly what God intended and I'm now ok with that. I'm FREE!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Day 17-"Help me be energized."Eph, 6:7,8
"With good will doing service, as to the Lord, & not to men; knowing that whatsoever good thing any man doeth the same shall he receive of the Lord, whether he be bond or free." Eph. 6:7-8 (kjv)
The world would call this Karma, but as a Christian I know that what goes around comes around is orcastrated by God. This verse is proof. Here, God is promising to reward the saved (free) and unsaved (bond). However, I must have a pure heart...not to do something to get something. Do it for the Lord and not for men! That reminds me of when I was pregnant with Elyza & working at Einstein Bagels. I was huge and tired. I was asked to mop. I didn't want to for many reasons but it was very humbling & I remember my mindset was so positive and it is what helped me do it with a smile. I saw the Lord as my boss & if He wanted me to mop I was going to do and do it well with a smile because He gave me that job & I was thankful. That is what gave me the energy to do it. It's all in the way I view things. Serving God can be a sacrifice and it often is. I find myself having to deny what I want to do in order to do things for God these days.
Heb.13:16"But to do good & to communicate forget not:for with such sacrifices, God is well pleased."
It is an even bigger sacrifice when doing good towards those I may not care for or feel deserve it. All it takes is a switch of my mindset. I have to see the good as being done towards/for God. Nothing for God goes without reward.
luke 6:35"But love ye your enemies, & do good, & lend, hoping for nothing again; & your reward shall be great, & ye shall be the children of the Highest..."
Romans 2:10"But glory, honour, & peace, to every man that worketh good..."
Right now, peace is high on my list of desires! Time to stop being a bad girl :-)
Dear Lord, it seems that every study I've done reminds me of how I used to be and how far away from that person I've gotten. But I guess that's the point of the study. Help me, Lord. Give me this mindset again so that I can be a better steward for you. Before every action there is a thought. If there is a lack of action, a thought preceded that as well. Help me to remember that all I do is for you & towards you. Let that be the mindset that energizes me when I just don't want to do right or good. Help me be energized to do your will. In Jesus' name, amen.
The world would call this Karma, but as a Christian I know that what goes around comes around is orcastrated by God. This verse is proof. Here, God is promising to reward the saved (free) and unsaved (bond). However, I must have a pure heart...not to do something to get something. Do it for the Lord and not for men! That reminds me of when I was pregnant with Elyza & working at Einstein Bagels. I was huge and tired. I was asked to mop. I didn't want to for many reasons but it was very humbling & I remember my mindset was so positive and it is what helped me do it with a smile. I saw the Lord as my boss & if He wanted me to mop I was going to do and do it well with a smile because He gave me that job & I was thankful. That is what gave me the energy to do it. It's all in the way I view things. Serving God can be a sacrifice and it often is. I find myself having to deny what I want to do in order to do things for God these days.
Heb.13:16"But to do good & to communicate forget not:for with such sacrifices, God is well pleased."
It is an even bigger sacrifice when doing good towards those I may not care for or feel deserve it. All it takes is a switch of my mindset. I have to see the good as being done towards/for God. Nothing for God goes without reward.
luke 6:35"But love ye your enemies, & do good, & lend, hoping for nothing again; & your reward shall be great, & ye shall be the children of the Highest..."
Romans 2:10"But glory, honour, & peace, to every man that worketh good..."
Right now, peace is high on my list of desires! Time to stop being a bad girl :-)
Dear Lord, it seems that every study I've done reminds me of how I used to be and how far away from that person I've gotten. But I guess that's the point of the study. Help me, Lord. Give me this mindset again so that I can be a better steward for you. Before every action there is a thought. If there is a lack of action, a thought preceded that as well. Help me to remember that all I do is for you & towards you. Let that be the mindset that energizes me when I just don't want to do right or good. Help me be energized to do your will. In Jesus' name, amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
