I'm FREE!

I know it has been a few days since my last post; I've had a lot of realizations since then. For starters, I realized that God doesn't have to do anything with me. I'm the one who needs to do it. Treaty's death didn't hit me like a train in Feb...in Feb., I DECIDED to presumptously do things that were a sin to me. When I did that, the sin separated me from God which removed the covering He had on me from the day Treaty died. I allowed sin to come in which took my mind off the WORD of God and I let anger seap in...Satan tried that in the beginning but I recall laying in bed rebuking him refusing to be mad. I rebuked him outloud in my room as he was trying to get me to be mad at God. I remember that clearly. At some point, I stopped rebuking him. The Bible says to cast down every thought and evil imagination that exaults itself against God. I stopped practicing that and down I went. I spiraled into depression, the anxiety came back, alcohol abuse...I began to rely on my prescriptions instead of the Word like I had been doing for 6.5 years! I feel like a failure to myself. If you had a hammer and needed to nail something together, why would you use something else? The Bible was my hammer yet I CHOSE to use man's methods along with using the excuse,"It's natural to go through this." Not according to the Bible & I knew that from day one!

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 (King James Version)

13But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.

14For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

15For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.

16For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:

17Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.

18Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

Those are the verses I opened my Bible to the day Treaty died before I went to the hospital. I was praying and needed to hear from God. I flipped open my Bible without a thought, looked down, and there were those verses. They kept me until I DECIDED not to stand on them any longer. The Bible says,"A little leaven, leaveneth the whole lump." Leaven is used to make bread rise and it doesn't take much. That is exactly what happened to me. I allowed a little sin in and I got worse and worse. First went praying, then I was out of the Word, now I'm skipping Church. I'm amazed that through it all, God is bringing me back. How is He doing that? LOVE. He is overwhelming me with His LOVE. In little ways, He is saying,"I love you & I'm not leaving you." Slowly but surely, through these studies & "light bulb" moments I'm learning more and more about me and about Him. I feel myself becoming more free! Free from what my anger and sin has done to me.

My sister in law came over for lunch today and I was telling her that I'm no longer angry with God, I'm angry with Treaty and I can't forgive him for getting on that bike. As I was speaking to her about where I am in this life without him, God spoke,"It was my will. Treaty had no say in it." Some how, that changed me. I felt free from my anger with Treaty. I didn't need to forgive him. He did nothing wrong. He did exactly what God intended and I'm now ok with that. I'm FREE!