This wasn't a typical study...it wasn't even a study. I think God just wanted me to meditate. Treaty would have been 31 today. I was supposed to go to church at 8am with my good friend but I was so sad that I wanted nothing to do with anyone. I just sat in my living room on the floor and cried. Then, I'd get up walk around, sit down somewhere and cry some more. I just packed up my gear and went back out on the Lake to fish and read. Before I left, I wrote down the verse for Day 13. When I read it, I kept reading to verse 19, then I went back up and started at 16. I realized then that God was saying, trust me. He said,"I pulled you out of darkness without you asking nor seeking me. Now you are in the light; believe that I will pull you out of this." I just sat at the Lake crying like a baby. Here I am begging Him to help me and trying so hard to live for Him like I used to so why am I feeling so hopeless? I was so upset Friday night over Treaty that I kicked my windshield about 5 times with my heels on busting the mess out of it. I'm so mad at him for getting on that bike. God is telling me to trust His plan. That was easy when Treaty was alive...now I just want to go Home.
Before I started writing, I reflected on my life before 6-8-03. The drugs, clubs, guys, sleeping all day, in and out of jail....God came and got me out of that life & I didn't ask or was I even looking to change. He just pulled me out...I'm in this situation here crying, praying, BEGGING..surely God Will pull me out of this...surely.
Eph. 3:17-19 "That Christ may dwell in your hearts by faith, that ye being rooted & grounded in love (18) may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is is the breadth, & length, & depth, & height; (19)to know the love of Christ, which passeth knowledge that ye might be filled with all the fullness of God."
I read those verses about 5-6 times before I wrote them down. They hit me hard...then I read verse 16 and really got emotional.
Eph. 3:16 "That He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, to be strengthened with might by His Spirit in the inner man;"
How God works will never cease to amaze me. I didn't do a study yesterday. If I had, I would have read Eph. 3:17. It would have been a typical study. I needed it today and it led me to read other verses that really encouraged me. I'm crying now because I'm so overwhelmed with God. I get so mad at Him but He still loves me & my heart, mind, and spirit won't allow me to believe anything else.
Once you have experienced God for yourself, I'm learning that if your conversion was real, no matter how mad you get, how confused life seems, how far you backslide, if you really meant it when you surrendered your spirit will not allow you to get away from God. I've learned that about me...now matter what, there is still a hope in me. There is still a desire for God. He keeps reassuring me over and over and over..He does that because I'll remember and be ok, then get upset pitiful. So He will give me another Word, and round and round..but He keeps His Word. He is patient with me. I pray I can be patient with Him...I pray I can trust His plan when I don't even know it.
Lord help me trust you and forgive me for my anger. I just miss my husbnand. Forgive me.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
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